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Friday March 29, 2013 3:43am

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Dear Friend,

I’ve been having a really hard time finding inspiration to write. I just watched this amazing movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I read the book when I was a senior in High School in 2000. It was given to me by a good friend that I will call D. D and I were very close friends at the time. In fact, he wrote this on the inside jacket of the book:

          Courtney –

You have been such a special person to me. And have taught me so many things about myself.

I love you so much, always and forever.
I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did,
It changed me. <3

D

But, we weren’t friends forever. 

Things in my life quickly took a turn for the worst shortly after high school, not to mention I moved to Tucson to attend the University of Arizona. So D and I slowly fell apart. 

Shortly after I moved back home I started my first relationship. It was a disaster. It lasted 3 years. Not long into that relationship, D and I had a falling out and have never spoken again. It's probably getting close to a decade since we last spoke. I miss him terribly. 

The worst part is I don’t associate with the person I use to be. I have her memories, but no feelings of attachments towards any of the events that took place. I can see clearly now. I can see what I lost, gave up, destroyed, ruined, and I can see how and why and I can choose to live differently now. I am free.

 

 

D, 

If you ever read this, I miss you. Please give me another chance to be the person you spoke about in that quote. You and I were supposed to be friends. We were always supposed to be friends and I’m sorry I lost sight of that.





 
If you read everything else I wrote in my blog you‘ll see how bad things had to get in my life for me to learn the value of myself. I promise you I will never treat myself like shit again. I will never lose sight of what’s most important in life. I will remember:

          “...we accept the love we think we deserve”. Chbosky (1999, pg. 29) 

That is a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It is one of my favourite quotes. It was one of yours back then. Is it still? That’s the best quote I’ve heard in a long time. I wish I would’ve paid more attention to it when I first read this book. Maybe, I would've made better choices. 

I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't made so many mistakes. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't learned from them. I am so grateful that I saw this movie again and was reminded of this time in our lives. I just want you to know. You changed me.

Courtney

Friend:

You probably are wondering why I’ve chosen this style for this blog post. For those of you who aren’t familiar, this is similar to the Perks of Being a Wallflower method of story delivery and it makes more sense to me. It’ll give me topics of conversation. And, since I won’t be using any real names, people will retain their anonymity. 

So I digress, I’ll get back on topic. It’s in the beginning of this blog post. After my NDE, near death experience something inside my mind changed. I became clearer, focused. My short-term memory is shot, but I’m working on that. Technology has been very helpful in that area. I can commit to myself for the first time EVER. For the first time in my life, I am living my life. I am living in the moment. I am starting over. People know who I was, but I want people to know who I AM NOW. I hate having to reassure people that I’m not that girl they knew. I have follow-through. I am reliable. I am alive. 

“I was blind, but now I see.”

My life is brighter. I can see more clearly. I see things with a different perspective. I see everything. It is refreshing. I feel like I’m awake for the first time in my life. Everything is just very clear. I am more empathetic. I am more care-free. I smile more. I laugh more. I laugh almost all day. I sing. I listen to music. I love being alive. What you may not understand is I didn’t use to feel this way. Not even close.

I used to be repulsed by myself and by my life, but I was powerless to change it. I had become a prisoner of my own mind, of my own guilt. I was so obsessed with punishing myself that I was willing to risk my life to stop the pain. That’s how I ended up on drugs. 

Not a lot of people will experience or have experienced recovery like I did. For most, it’s a daily struggle to stay clean. The only difference in my situation is that I used drugs to mask the pain my life was causing. Once I had my NDE, my whole life was ripped out from underneath me. I had to start over from scratch. I was pulled from my environment and given the freedom to start over. It was overwhelming. 

I’m not going to lie; the first 9 months, after I returned home from the hospital, were rough. I was introverted. I was scared. I didn’t want to go out in public. I felt ugly and was embarrassed to be seen. I quickly fell back into my old mentality. I became overly attached to the first guy I liked. Luckily, he’s not a local; we are online friends so it was extremely safe. In other words, it didn’t require me to leave my newly acquired shell. 

Well, needless to say, things didn’t work out the way I had planned and it broke my heart. So much so that, for my own protection and sanity, I forced myself to reflect on how I was living my life and the choices that I was making. Suddenly, it dawned on me, I didn’t want my life to begin and end with a guy. It always had. Look at how great that worked out for me before. I almost relived my greatest mistake, again, so soon. How was this possible? Had I learned nothing? Did I deserve to get this second chance at life if I wasn't not going to live it differently? I was embarrassed. I felt crazy. He opened my eyes. 

He allowed for me to open my eyes, to change my perspective, to change my life. We are still friends. He's not in a position to read this so I don’t have to worry that he will any time soon, but some day he will.




And when you do, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

You thought I was beautiful in a time in my life when I felt most ugly. You helped me realize how much more important and valuable inner beauty is than exterior. 



You also taught me to value my health. I eat better now, I exercise regularly and changed my entire lifestyle. I did this for myself so that I could live longer and enjoy my life longer by giving myself the opportunity to spend more time with the people I love. I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for.

In closing, life is a series of choices. Your mistakes do not define you. Your choices define you. If you don’t want to be stressed about money then work more, find another job, spend less, save more. Life is full of options. Choose the path you want. Choose happiness. Choose kindness. Choose love. Be free.

Start new, start fresh, start your life, because this life is all you have.

Don't waste a moment of it.

 

Till next time. Sending light and love your way.


Courtney

Chbosky, S. (1999) The Perks of Being a Wallflower, MTV Books, New York.

The Possibility: Corrections to previous posts!

The Possibility: Corrections to previous posts!: March 11, 2013 Welcome friends and family and strangers! Some of you know me personally and some of you used to know me. Some of you are ...

Corrections to previous posts!

March 11, 2013

Welcome friends and family and strangers! Some of you know me personally and some of you used to know me. Some of you are complete strangers. I welcome all of you! Please add me as a friend on Fakebook (info. can be found on my profile page) and be sure to follow this blog!


As it turns out, I was wrong about a lot of those dates and time frames from my last couple of posts.


I was brought into the hospital within days of Valentines day of 2012 (before or after, not certain). I was in a coma for 4 days, not four weeks also not medically induced. I was brain dead for a week, living only off life-support machines. They said I had no brain activity and expected me to never recover. My family planned for the worst.


I may not be 100% now or ever, but I'm 100% better than I've ever been before in my life. I am still learning about what happened to me. This has to be the most incredible part of my journey. I only know what I've been told and most of what I've been told is not completely accurate or is altogether false.


You will be forced to experience this journey with me if you continue to read. I'll make updates as often as possible. I'll keep you updated as I learn new things about myself and my past. Please feel free to post questions and I'll answer them. Also, share my blog please! The more people that read it, the more likely I will get an opportunity to write a book about my life.


Thanks for taking the time to read this!

February 13, 2013

Written February 13, 2013

I am living my after-life. 

 

The Courtney I was before my near-death experience does not exist anymore. I am Courtney 2.0. I have many of Courtney’s memories, but none of her emotions towards those memories. That’s not to say I’m emotionless, far from it. I just don’t feel the same emotions towards the memories of those events.

My brother, Jonathan, told me something right after I awoke from my coma and it stuck with me. First of all, I had to relearn how to walk, how to sit up, how to stand, to move around like a normal person. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.  He told me that I should feel lucky for getting the opportunity to experience everything for the first time again as an adult. At the time, it didn’t seem important.

Here I was, a 29 year old, having problems holding my bladder, not being able to go to the bathroom on my own because I couldn’t physically get there, knowing my whole family knows that I’m a former IV heroin and speed user, my boyfriend of 7 years a no-show for the extent of my hospitalization, and I was supposed to be grateful that I am forced to relive the part of childhood that we aren’t built to remember?

 

That was almost a year ago this month. I can now walk on my own with no problems and I am physically capable of doing just as much or more than I ever was before. I look back now and I realize how right he was. I am so grateful. My perceptions of this world, of my life, are so much different than they have ever been in my entire life. 

 

Everything brings tears to my eyes. 

 

I am moved by so many things these days. 

 

For those of you that have no experience using Opiates, they make you apathetic. This is exacerbated if you use Heroin intravenously. So during my year "living" as an IV Heroin and Meth user, I was emotionally shutdown for the most part. However, I was on some sort of Opiate for at least 2 years prior to that year. Apart from my daily longing for death, I was mostly numb for 3 years. 

 

Perhaps that is why I have such strong emotions today. It is almost like my mind is sucking everything in to make up for all the emotions it’s been lacking for the past 3 years. 

 

Prior to all that, I had not used drugs for 8 years.  

 

 Written March 8th, 2013

I survived so much in such a short period of time. I had to experience the closest thing to hell on Earth in order to get the chance to experience the closest thing to Heaven on Earth and I wouldn't change a thing.

March 8th, 2013

It's Friday, March 8th, 2013 and I am just getting this blog online. I actually meant to do it by February 19th, but I never got around to it so I'm doing it now at 2am. I have something written already, but it starts out of nowhere so there's not a lot of background. It really just dives right into the dirty of my life. I cleared it with most of my family or at least the important members of my family. I hope you are ready for the ride of your life. 

The purpose of this blog

My mom wanted to know what the purpose of my blog is and I had a really hard time putting into words. I believe God gave me a second chance to truly live and experience life for the first time all over again. I have the opportunity to enjoy every moment and to feel every emotion as though for the first time. I have almost no attachment to the emotions I felt to the experiences or situations in the past, prior to my near death experience.


Everything I experience today, I experience differently than I ever have before. It is thrilling! It is emotional! I find myself tearing up at the oddest moments and in the most unpredictable situations! I believe anyone has the right to start their life completely over and start fresh. To cure your own insanity.


The time I spend in this world these days amazes and astonishes me. 


The people I am surrounded by on a daily basis inspire me and bring joy to my heart and soul. I am the luckiest person in the world. I am truly blessed. I have such passionately strong positive emotions about all of it that I find it almost laughable when I come across people that take life so negatively or surround themselves with drama. I especially feel saddened when people get so worked up over such small and insignificant things.

Why spend any time at all focused on the negative when you're trading in your time to experience the positive? 

The richest person in the world is equally as poor as any of us. This is because no amount of money can purchase the most valuable resource on this fine Earth. That resource is time. We have a finite amount of time to live our lives. No amount of money or fame or success can purchase a longer life. No amount of money or fame or success can purchase more time. Sure, you can spend tons of money on health care and special pills and the finest doctors and the best trainers and nutritionist, but when it's your time to go you can't stop it. When your time runs out you die.

My time ran out, but I got a new clock.

 

As I mentioned before, I had a near death experience. Early-March of 2012, I can't remember the exact date at the moment, I awoke in the ICE at Banner Thunderbird Hospital in Phoenix, AZ and my wrists were strapped to a hospital bed. I had an incubator tube stuck down my throat and into my lungs. I instantly started gagging and attempted to reach for my mouth, but my arms were so heavy and were strapped to the bars on the sides of the bed. I was so thirsty. I couldn't swallow. My mouth was so dry. I was in pain and I was scared. My whole family was there. I remembered some memory from Mid-January. I remembered that I was an IV Heroin and Meth addict. My whole family was here and the last thing I remembered was the horrible life I had lived as a junky. I was immediately embarrassed and scared. Was I strapped to the bed because of the cops? Had I gotten busted for something? What happened?

My mom instantly started reassuring me. She told me everyone knew everything and that I didn't have to lie or hide anymore. I was in the hospital because I was really sick. I had an infection in my body and it had spread to my heart valves. From there, it spread throughout my body with every beat of my heart. It got in my brain, in my kidneys, in my spleen, in my skin and in my lungs. This had been going on for the past several months while I was using. I never knew. I was always so sick and always felt so horrible, but I got to the point in my life that I thought I was just feeling this way due to my drug addiction and the come down. I never considered the fact that I might actually be sick.

By the time I was taken to the hospital I was starting to withdraw from the drugs and I was practically catatonic. The doctors said if the people that had taken me there had waited another hour I would most certainly be dead. They had saved my life. I haven't seen them since. If you ever read this, thank you! I owe you my life! May you be blessed forever.

The hospital immediately put me into a medically induced coma until I was completely detoxed and until my body fought off most of the infections. I was in a coma for 3 weeks. So, by the time I awoke I had complete muscle atrophy. This was the reason that lifting my arms up was so difficult when I woke up from that coma.

I could hardly move on my own. I couldn't go to the bathroom on my own. I couldn't even sit up in bed for longer than ten minutes at time without my stomach and back muscles aching. The upside was that I had lost 40 pounds while I had been in the hospital. I was the thinnest I'd ever been in my entire life and probably will ever be for the rest of my life.

I found out later that I had survived dozens, even hundreds of strokes from the infections in my brain. My spleen was so badly infected that they removed it while I was in a coma. I had necrosis on both of my big toes on my feet. They almost amputated my toes, but decided to wait to see if the antibiotics helped. They did. I only lost a quarter inch off the tip of my right big toe. Two of my heart valves are damaged beyond repair. I need two heart valve replacements or my heart will eventually over work itself and I'll die. I do not know how long I have to live. I am grateful for any time I do have. In order to continue to live or until I have my heart surgery, I will be on two different kinds of heart medication for the rest of my life.

I am the luckiest girl I know.

I am the Captain of my Fate. I am the Master of my Soul.