March 8th, 2013

It's Friday, March 8th, 2013 and I am just getting this blog online. I actually meant to do it by February 19th, but I never got around to it so I'm doing it now at 2am. I have something written already, but it starts out of nowhere so there's not a lot of background. It really just dives right into the dirty of my life. I cleared it with most of my family or at least the important members of my family. I hope you are ready for the ride of your life. 

The purpose of this blog

My mom wanted to know what the purpose of my blog is and I had a really hard time putting into words. I believe God gave me a second chance to truly live and experience life for the first time all over again. I have the opportunity to enjoy every moment and to feel every emotion as though for the first time. I have almost no attachment to the emotions I felt to the experiences or situations in the past, prior to my near death experience.


Everything I experience today, I experience differently than I ever have before. It is thrilling! It is emotional! I find myself tearing up at the oddest moments and in the most unpredictable situations! I believe anyone has the right to start their life completely over and start fresh. To cure your own insanity.


The time I spend in this world these days amazes and astonishes me. 


The people I am surrounded by on a daily basis inspire me and bring joy to my heart and soul. I am the luckiest person in the world. I am truly blessed. I have such passionately strong positive emotions about all of it that I find it almost laughable when I come across people that take life so negatively or surround themselves with drama. I especially feel saddened when people get so worked up over such small and insignificant things.

Why spend any time at all focused on the negative when you're trading in your time to experience the positive? 

The richest person in the world is equally as poor as any of us. This is because no amount of money can purchase the most valuable resource on this fine Earth. That resource is time. We have a finite amount of time to live our lives. No amount of money or fame or success can purchase a longer life. No amount of money or fame or success can purchase more time. Sure, you can spend tons of money on health care and special pills and the finest doctors and the best trainers and nutritionist, but when it's your time to go you can't stop it. When your time runs out you die.

My time ran out, but I got a new clock.

 

As I mentioned before, I had a near death experience. Early-March of 2012, I can't remember the exact date at the moment, I awoke in the ICE at Banner Thunderbird Hospital in Phoenix, AZ and my wrists were strapped to a hospital bed. I had an incubator tube stuck down my throat and into my lungs. I instantly started gagging and attempted to reach for my mouth, but my arms were so heavy and were strapped to the bars on the sides of the bed. I was so thirsty. I couldn't swallow. My mouth was so dry. I was in pain and I was scared. My whole family was there. I remembered some memory from Mid-January. I remembered that I was an IV Heroin and Meth addict. My whole family was here and the last thing I remembered was the horrible life I had lived as a junky. I was immediately embarrassed and scared. Was I strapped to the bed because of the cops? Had I gotten busted for something? What happened?

My mom instantly started reassuring me. She told me everyone knew everything and that I didn't have to lie or hide anymore. I was in the hospital because I was really sick. I had an infection in my body and it had spread to my heart valves. From there, it spread throughout my body with every beat of my heart. It got in my brain, in my kidneys, in my spleen, in my skin and in my lungs. This had been going on for the past several months while I was using. I never knew. I was always so sick and always felt so horrible, but I got to the point in my life that I thought I was just feeling this way due to my drug addiction and the come down. I never considered the fact that I might actually be sick.

By the time I was taken to the hospital I was starting to withdraw from the drugs and I was practically catatonic. The doctors said if the people that had taken me there had waited another hour I would most certainly be dead. They had saved my life. I haven't seen them since. If you ever read this, thank you! I owe you my life! May you be blessed forever.

The hospital immediately put me into a medically induced coma until I was completely detoxed and until my body fought off most of the infections. I was in a coma for 3 weeks. So, by the time I awoke I had complete muscle atrophy. This was the reason that lifting my arms up was so difficult when I woke up from that coma.

I could hardly move on my own. I couldn't go to the bathroom on my own. I couldn't even sit up in bed for longer than ten minutes at time without my stomach and back muscles aching. The upside was that I had lost 40 pounds while I had been in the hospital. I was the thinnest I'd ever been in my entire life and probably will ever be for the rest of my life.

I found out later that I had survived dozens, even hundreds of strokes from the infections in my brain. My spleen was so badly infected that they removed it while I was in a coma. I had necrosis on both of my big toes on my feet. They almost amputated my toes, but decided to wait to see if the antibiotics helped. They did. I only lost a quarter inch off the tip of my right big toe. Two of my heart valves are damaged beyond repair. I need two heart valve replacements or my heart will eventually over work itself and I'll die. I do not know how long I have to live. I am grateful for any time I do have. In order to continue to live or until I have my heart surgery, I will be on two different kinds of heart medication for the rest of my life.

I am the luckiest girl I know.

I am the Captain of my Fate. I am the Master of my Soul.