February 13, 2013

Written February 13, 2013

I am living my after-life. 

 

The Courtney I was before my near-death experience does not exist anymore. I am Courtney 2.0. I have many of Courtney’s memories, but none of her emotions towards those memories. That’s not to say I’m emotionless, far from it. I just don’t feel the same emotions towards the memories of those events.

My brother, Jonathan, told me something right after I awoke from my coma and it stuck with me. First of all, I had to relearn how to walk, how to sit up, how to stand, to move around like a normal person. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.  He told me that I should feel lucky for getting the opportunity to experience everything for the first time again as an adult. At the time, it didn’t seem important.

Here I was, a 29 year old, having problems holding my bladder, not being able to go to the bathroom on my own because I couldn’t physically get there, knowing my whole family knows that I’m a former IV heroin and speed user, my boyfriend of 7 years a no-show for the extent of my hospitalization, and I was supposed to be grateful that I am forced to relive the part of childhood that we aren’t built to remember?

 

That was almost a year ago this month. I can now walk on my own with no problems and I am physically capable of doing just as much or more than I ever was before. I look back now and I realize how right he was. I am so grateful. My perceptions of this world, of my life, are so much different than they have ever been in my entire life. 

 

Everything brings tears to my eyes. 

 

I am moved by so many things these days. 

 

For those of you that have no experience using Opiates, they make you apathetic. This is exacerbated if you use Heroin intravenously. So during my year "living" as an IV Heroin and Meth user, I was emotionally shutdown for the most part. However, I was on some sort of Opiate for at least 2 years prior to that year. Apart from my daily longing for death, I was mostly numb for 3 years. 

 

Perhaps that is why I have such strong emotions today. It is almost like my mind is sucking everything in to make up for all the emotions it’s been lacking for the past 3 years. 

 

Prior to all that, I had not used drugs for 8 years.  

 

 Written March 8th, 2013

I survived so much in such a short period of time. I had to experience the closest thing to hell on Earth in order to get the chance to experience the closest thing to Heaven on Earth and I wouldn't change a thing.