04-23-13

Sometimes, I want to rush things for myself. I want my happy ending right now. But, now I can see that sometimes the best parts about happy endings are the moments, & experiences; the life that happens before it happens. We will all meet incredible people whom we believe we can make truly happy, but will never get a chance to prove it to. I know I have met many people in my life who have changed me in ways I thought impossible. People who made me question what I wanted for my future. People I didn't, can't ever be with. I constantly need to remind myself that I am in no rush to move to the end of the line of my life. I want life to happen to me this time. I don’t want to force it ever again. I want to influence it in positive ways, but not force it. I will never again put a man in a position to be forced to love me. The hardest part is recognizing that if this is true then the opposite is also true which means that I am this ‘incredible person’ that someone in my life will never get to ‘make happy’. It’s when I look at it this way that I am able to put things in perspective and recognize that I am NOT ready to be in another relationship with anyone other than myself for an undetermined time. If and when I meet that life-changing person I’ll know it. I believe this. 

Goodbye you. If you actually read this. You changed my life. I will forever be grateful. I wish the best for you. You deserve to be happy. You will be happy. I believe this.

 

2 (04-02-13)

2

04-02-13

Dear Friends 

I know I set up the style of this blog to speak to you in a letter, but I was thinking about it and I actually think from the point forward I'll just write letters to specific people that have recently entered and exited my life. I feel like that is happening a lot in my life right now. Part of me feels like it’s my fault and somehow it must mean that I am using them in some way. But, then I realize that is how the circle of life is. It is a give and take. As long as I give all I can in return and am not intending to “use” them, I can’t hate myself for it. 

The hard part is letting go of some of these people. I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way because of events that are out of my control. In reflecting, I've realized that I am so quick to give someone a great deal of value as a result of my feelings. People I only recently became friends with, known for a year or less, in other words, people that I don't actually know all that well. I am so emotional and caring and nurturing that I look past “red flags” and internal warnings so that I can continue to feel a great deal about them. I end up having totally unacceptable expectations of them, as people and as friends. In addition to my expectations of them, I end up having unacceptable expectations of myself in order to make it possible for those people to meet my expectations. It’s a vicious cycle. So I am vowing to stop. 

Once again, I’m falling into unhealthy thinking and behaviours. The same unhealthy thinking and behaviour that I considered the norm for me prior to my NDE*, and ultimately responsible for it and therefore almost killed me. Nothing is worth sacrificing your life for, except for maybe your children. I am not a parent though so right now nothing in my life is worth dying for. Not anymore. 

I originally intended on writing more, but life has intervened and I must leave you with this. Just like in life, things change. I am changing. I am evolving. I am learning. I am finding myself. I am figuring out what I want and need to fully appreciate life. Therefore, my blog may be going through a variety of changes in formatting and such. In addition, for some reason, the blogger template doesn’t follow the same rules as a regular word document. So it might look nice and professional on my word program, but ends up looking ridiculous and immature once posted. I apologize in advance for that. It pains the OCD in me. I am attempting to access a real blogger platform to use.

More to follow,

Sending light and love,

Courtney

* NDE = Near death experience