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04-02-13
Dear Friends
I know I set up the style of this blog to speak to you in a
letter, but I was thinking about it and I actually think from the point forward I'll just write letters
to specific people that have recently entered and exited my life.
I feel like that is happening a lot in my life right now. Part of me feels like
it’s my fault and somehow it must mean that I am using them in some way. But,
then I realize that is how the circle of life is. It is a give and take. As
long as I give all I can in return and am not intending to “use” them, I can’t
hate myself for it.
The hard part is letting go of some of these people. I’ve
lost a lot of friends along the way because of events that are out of my
control. In reflecting, I've realized that I am so quick to give someone a great deal of value as a result of my
feelings. People I only recently became friends with, known for a year or less, in other words, people that I don't actually know all that well.
I am so emotional and caring and nurturing that I look past “red flags” and
internal warnings so that I can continue to feel a great deal about them. I end
up having totally unacceptable expectations of them, as people and as friends. In
addition to my expectations of them, I end up having unacceptable expectations of
myself in order to make it possible for those people to meet my expectations. It’s
a vicious cycle. So I am vowing to stop.
Once again, I’m falling into unhealthy thinking and
behaviours. The same unhealthy thinking and behaviour that I considered the norm for me prior to
my NDE*, and ultimately responsible for it and therefore almost killed me. Nothing
is worth sacrificing your life for, except for maybe your children. I am not a
parent though so right now nothing in my life is worth dying for. Not anymore.
I
originally intended on writing more, but life has intervened and I must leave
you with this. Just like in life, things change. I am changing. I am evolving.
I am learning. I am finding myself. I am figuring out what I want and need to
fully appreciate life. Therefore, my blog may be going through a variety of
changes in formatting and such. In addition, for some reason, the blogger
template doesn’t follow the same rules as a regular word document. So it might
look nice and professional on my word program, but ends up looking ridiculous
and immature once posted. I apologize in advance for that. It pains the OCD in me.
I am attempting to access a real blogger platform to use.
More to follow,
Sending light and love,
Courtney
* NDE = Near death experience
im reading! -amanda
ReplyDeleteI find that my problem is less of me fabricating things into my perception of people nowadays so much as it is ignoring the ones that make me happy spiritually, emotionally and intellectually because of some stupid reason that really means nothing i.e.; Not good looking enough, not tall enough, not skinny enough, other peoples judgements, etc. etc. When in all actuality I was just too scared to be happy, I didn't feel like I deserved it, I didn't believe that they really felt that way about me, that they must have not been paying attention and misjudged me or they would see how undeserving I am of these genuine feelings they have for me. Maybe they are playing a joke on me, maybe they just want to use me, maybe they are confused, etc.
ReplyDeleteTruth is maybe I'm a fucking moron...
I mean how often do you get to meet someone that truly cares about you? How often do you meet someone that you can be around 24/7 and still enjoy every moment of it? How many people do you get to feel like you can just be yourself around no matter what and will not only accept you 100% but also encourage you 100%? Someone that will without question, always be true to you? How many people do you get to meet that will really be there for you no matter what without expecting anything in return except wanting to see you be happy? How many people can you actually connect with in the ways that truly matter; Emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually?
I won't hurt myself or waste any more of my precious time or alienate a real possibility at happiness with someone by trying to love someone that I don't actually have a genuine connection with emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. If they can't love me as and be my best friend, then how the fuck can (did) I even fool myself into thinking I'd be able to spend everyday of the rest of my life with them and be Truly Happy? One thing I know for sure, I'm not gambling with my heart and soul anymore. I almost didn't survive ignoring my red flags and internal warnings once before. Love is grown and nurtured by 2 people working together or it is not truly love and false love will never allow one to feel true happiness.
I'm sorry I didn't read this until just now. I honestly figured no one actually commented on this.
DeleteI touched upon this on my 04-23-13 post. I, too, am trying to be more realistic these days. I find myself straying from my path on a constant basis. I don't want to limit my possibilities either which is why I try and surround myself with as many good people as possible. I feel like I can offer happiness and positivity to those around me and I believe that I owe it to myself to share my "light" with those around me. Some of these people may not have much "light" without me.
As far as my issues with finding "the one": I am only capable of loving someone 100% or more. If I give myself truly to a person then I have no abundance of love to give to myself, which is fine when the time is right but, at this time in my life, I desperately need to focus on myself. Sometimes things work out the way they do because you are strong enough to handle it. I'm sorry to sound like such a cliche, but I pushed myself to the bitter end. I was brain-dead and on life-support. I would've died without the machines that kept me alive. I still survived. I practically committed suicide to prove that things were too hard for me to handle. I had to "die" before I realized that it's all about perspective. Sometimes things get harder before they get better. Believe they will get better.
You are the Master of YOUR Fate; you are the Captain of YOUR Soul.
Courtney