Friday March 29, 2013 3:43am

I’ve been having a really hard time finding inspiration to write. I just watched this amazing movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I read the book when I was a senior in High School in 2000. It was given to me by a good friend that I will call D. D and I were very close friends at the time. In fact, he wrote this on the inside jacket of the book:

Courtney –

You have been such a special person to me. And have taught me so many things about myself.

I love you so much, always and forever. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did, It changed me. <3

D

 But, we weren’t friends forever. 

Things in my life quickly took a turn for the worst shortly after high school, not to mention I moved to Tucson to attend the University of Arizona. So D and I slowly fell apart. 

Shortly after I moved back home I started my first relationship. It was a disaster. It lasted 3 years. Not long into that relationship, D and I had a falling out and have never spoken again. It's probably getting close to a decade since we last spoke. I miss him terribly. 

The worst part is I don’t associate with the person I use to be. I have her memories, but no feelings of attachments towards any of the events that took place. I can see clearly now. I can see what I lost, gave up, destroyed, ruined, and I can see how and why and I can choose to live differently now. I am free.

D, 

If you ever read this, I miss you. Please give me another chance to be the person you spoke about in that quote. You and I were supposed to be friends. We were always supposed to be friends and I’m sorry I lost sight of that. If you read everything else I wrote in my blog you‘ll see how bad things had to get in my life for me to learn the value of myself. I promise you I will never treat myself like shit again. I will never lose sight of what’s most important in life. I will remember:

          “...we accept the love we think we deserve”. Chbosky (1999, pg. 29) 

That is a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It is one of my favourite quotes. It was one of yours back then. Is it still? That’s the best quote I’ve heard in a long time. I wish I would’ve paid more attention to it when I first read this book. Maybe, I would've made better choices. 

I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't made so many mistakes. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't learned from them. I am so grateful that I saw this movie again and was reminded of this time in our lives. I just want you to know. You changed me.

Courtney
 

I digress, I’ll get back on topic. It’s in the beginning of this blog post. After my NDE, near death experience, something inside my mind changed. I became clearer, more focused. My short-term memory is shot, but I’m working on that. Technology has been very helpful in that area. I can commit to myself for the first time EVER. For the first time in my life, I am living my life. I am living in the moment. I am starting over. People know who I was, but I want people to know who I am NOW. I hate having to reassure people that I’m not that girl they knew. I have follow-through. I am reliable. I am alive. 

“I was blind, but now I see.”

My life is brighter. I can see more clearly. I see things with a different perspective. I see everything. It is refreshing. I feel like I’m awake for the first time in my life. Everything is just very clear. I am more empathetic. I am more care-free. I smile more. I laugh more. I laugh almost all day. I sing. I listen to music. I love being alive. What you may not understand is I didn’t use to feel this way. Not even close.
 

I used to be repulsed by myself and by my life, but I was powerless to change it. I had become a prisoner of my own mind, of my own guilt. I was so obsessed with punishing myself that I was willing to risk my life to stop the pain. That’s how I ended up on drugs. 

Not a lot of people will experience or have experienced recovery like I did. For most, it’s a daily struggle to stay clean. The only difference in my situation is that I used drugs to mask the pain my life was causing. Once I had my NDE, my whole life was ripped out from underneath me. I had to start over from scratch. I was pulled from my environment and given the freedom to start over. It was overwhelming. 

I’m not going to lie; the first 9 months, after I returned home from the hospital, were rough. I was introverted. I was scared. I didn’t want to go out in public. I felt ugly and was embarrassed to be seen. I quickly fell back into my old mentality. I became overly attached to the first guy I liked. Luckily, he’s not a local; we are online friends so it was extremely safe. In other words, it didn’t require me to leave my newly acquired shell. 

Well, needless to say, things didn’t work out the way I had planned and it broke my heart. So much so that, for my own protection and sanity, I forced myself to reflect on how I was living my life and the choices that I was making. Suddenly, it dawned on me, I didn’t want my life to begin and end with a guy. It always had. Look at how great that worked out for me before. I almost relived my greatest mistake, again, so soon. How was this possible? Had I learned nothing? Did I deserve to get this second chance at life if I wasn't not going to live it differently? I was embarrassed. I felt crazy. He opened my eyes. 
 

He allowed for me to open my eyes, to change my perspective, to change my life. We are still friends. He's not in a position to read this so I don’t have to worry that he will any time soon, but some day he might.

And when you do, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

You thought I was beautiful in a time in my life when I felt most ugly. You helped me realize how much more important and valuable inner beauty is than exterior.

You also taught me to value my health. I eat better now, I exercise regularly and changed my entire lifestyle. I did this for myself so that I could live longer and enjoy my life longer by giving myself the opportunity to spend more time with the people I love. I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for.
 

In closing, life is a series of choices. Your mistakes do not define you. Your choices define you. If you don’t want to be stressed about money then work more hours, find another job, spend less, save more. Life is full of options. Choose the path you want. Choose happiness. Choose kindness. Choose love. Be free.

Start new, start fresh, start your life, because this life is all you have. Don't waste a moment of it.

Till next time. Sending light and love your way.

Chbosky, S. (1999) The Perks of Being a Wallflower, MTV Books, New York.