Another great actor died from a drug overdose today.
Although I found out a few hours ago, I cannot push this tremendous
feeling of sadness from my mind. I didn’t know the guy. I’ve never met
him. I’m not sure if it is my own experience with drugs or my love of
acting and all things movie related that makes me so emotional over his
loss. He had 23 years of sobriety behind him until he relapsed last
year. It breaks my heart. It is such an unnecessary loss. He was only 46
years old. That could have been me.
If I had died in his place only a handful of people
would be sad (my family and some close friends), whereas in this case,
strangers all around the world are heartbroken over his loss (myself
included). Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade places with him. I
fought the hard fight and I got clean. I earned my spot on this Earth. I
may not have a lot of people in my life that need me, but I am still
worthy of this life. Not to say he didn’t or wasn't. He made a choice to
use again and this time it killed him. It’d kill me if I ever made that
choice again. It really is that simple when it comes to drug use.
Choose to use and choose to lose (your life). Every
time you use drugs you are bartering with your life. Those that use
drugs understand this and accept this risk. That being said, I want to
be sure you understand that drug users are suicidal. You may think
you’re an exception, but you’re not. If you use drugs then each and
every time you use you are making a decision (whether conscience or not)
to risk losing your life for that high, every single time. You might
get away with using a handful of times, but don’t be fooled, not every
time is created equal. We all have an expiration date and the majority
of us do not know when it is or what will cause it. I can assure you
that every time you use drugs it’s like putting a revolver to your head
and pulling the trigger in the hopes that this time that randomly loaded
bullet won’t fire. Every time you decide to put a drug in your body,
you are playing Russian roulette with your life. I promise you this,
some day, one day, that gun will fire and there is an incredibly high
probability that it’ll kill you.
Going back to the actor that died, I think the hardest part about his death is that I
know where he was in his mind because I’ve been there. I know how alone,
lonely and sad he must have been. I know how much he must have hated
himself when he stuck that needle in his arm for the very last time. The
self-hatred and self-loathing felt by IV heroin users is such a deep
abyss that only other IV heroin users can relate. The darkness and
despair creates the deepest pain and inner sorrow that I’ve ever
experienced. The closest thing I can relate it to is what we experience
when we are grieving the loss of a loved one. I believe the reason these
emotions are so similar is because we subconsciously know that we
essentially are attempting suicide every time we use. We are too
cowardly and weak to resist risking our life and it tortures us to no
end. When we are using we are constantly in grieving.
His death is another example of how our choices affect
those around us whether we know whom we’ll affect or not. In his case,
he was a celebrity and his death made international news. You might
think that your death won’t be news, but with the inception of social
media, I assure you that that thinking is naïve. More people than ever
before will learn about your death and potentially the circumstances
surrounding it.
I am sad for the family he left behind. The anger and
rage they must feel towards him for his selfish act must be unbearable.
The torment and pain they must feel thinking they could have saved him.
Or the incessant and aching desire to go back in time to save him. Every
passing moment a reminder of a life lost. If only he knew that it was
going to be his last mistake or that this mistake would cost him his
life. Would he have made a different choice? Would he still be alive
today? We will never know. He will never get a do-over. He is forever
dead.
When it comes to overdoses, usually there are no
second chances. Every time you use drugs it is the last mistake you’ll
ever make as the person you are at that moment. Even if you live through
it this time, a part of you died. Every time you use drugs it kills a
piece of your soul. It is not a calculated risk because you don’t know
how much you have left to give. None of us do. So next time you feel
like a coward and you cannot resist that drug, ask yourself, is today
the day? Do I want to die today? Instead of risking your life, please
talk to someone, anyone immediately. You deserve to live.
I know this isn't as poetic as some of my other
writing. I'm not sure what else I can say other then you are not alone.
No matter how alone you feel, we are all connected. You were worthy of
getting life when you were born and you are worthy of your life now,
even if you are addicted to drugs. Change is possible. Every moment is a
chance to turn your life around. You don't have to hurt anymore.
24 hour drug addiction hotline: 800.447.9081
© 2013, Courtney Prichard. “Except as provided by the
Copyright Act [11-24-2013, etc.] no part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or
by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher."
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