I
have had a lot of new friends enter and exit my life recently. I feel
like that is happening a lot in my life right now. Part of me feels like
it’s my fault and somehow it must mean that I am using them in some
way. But, then I realize that is how the circle of life is. It is a give
and take. As long as I give all I can in return and am not intending to
“use” them, I can’t hate myself for it.
The
hard part is letting go of some of these people. I’ve lost a lot of
friends along the way because of events that are out of my control. In
reflecting, I've realized that I am so quick to give someone a great
deal of value as a result of my feelings. People I only recently became
friends with, known for a year or less, in other words, people that I
don't actually know all that well. I am so emotional and caring and
nurturing that I look past “red flags” and internal warnings so that I
can continue to feel a great deal about them. I end up having totally
unacceptable expectations of them, as people and as friends. In addition
to my expectations of them, I end up having unacceptable expectations
of myself in order to make it possible for those people to meet my
expectations. It’s a vicious cycle. So I am vowing to stop.
Once
again, I’m falling into unhealthy thinking and behaviours. The same
unhealthy thinking and behaviour that I considered the norm for me prior
to my NDE*, and ultimately responsible for it and therefore almost
killed me. Nothing is worth sacrificing your life for, except for maybe
your children. I am not a parent though so right now nothing in my life
is worth dying for. Not anymore.
I
originally intended on writing more, but life has intervened and I must
leave you with this. Just like in life, things change. I am changing. I
am evolving. I am learning. I am finding myself. I am figuring out what
I want and need to fully appreciate life. Therefore, my blog may be
going through a variety of changes and such.
More to follow,
Sending light and love
* NDE = Near death experience
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