Today, I'm going to talk about what it means to be human.
Here are two definitions of human provided by Google:
adjective
1. 1.
of, relating to, or characteristic of people or human beings.
"the human body"
|
|
|
|
|
|
noun
1. 1.
a human being, esp. a person as distinguished from an animal or (in science fiction) an alien.
The
reason I have decided that the subject of being human is my subject
today is because I've been thinking about it a lot since last night. I
must admit that my biggest hobby is watching television. As a writer,
the characters and events (I watch 35 different television shows,
seriously) from each show act as my muse. I have started watching Almost
Human on Fox (airs Monday nights from this week forward). I tell you
this because one of the main characters, Dorian, is an android (a robot
with a human appearance). He is a special model with a “synthetic soul”
or in other words, he is designed to mimic human behavior and was
therefore given the ability to think and feel on his own. In the most
recent episode, he talks a lot about how he feels human and how it feels
to know that as an android he will likely be forgotten after he “dies”
or ceases to exist. By the end of the episode, I felt more strongly for
Dorian than I did for Detective Kennex (the lead, allegedly human and
therefore the “more relatable” character). This isn’t the first time
that I’ve found the “inhuman” character in a show or movie more
relatable.
For
example, I felt very strongly for the android, David, in the film, A.I.
or Artificial Intelligence. At several points in the film, I found
myself holding back tears for him. Of course, most of the credit should
go towards the actors portraying these characters because their stellar
performances are what made them capture my heart in the first place. I
don’t think it’s some new found phenomenon that a person might relate
more readily to an outsider. In the two examples I’ve specified, it is
society that has caused these two androids to feel like outsiders. Also,
it is their perceptions of the world they live in and their perceptions
of themselves that are of utmost importance. I will use this point to
transition back to my original point. Most people think that being human
means to live and breathe.
However, being human means more than that. Part of being human is being aware that you are human. As humans, we are aware of our own existence. Not only are we aware of our own existence, we are also aware of our own inevitable death, our own mortality. We live each day knowing that there is a possibility that it might be our last day alive. We live each day knowing the same thing about the people we surround ourselves with. Despite knowing that there is a huge risk of losing our lives by living our lives, we carry on. We continue on our journey and most of us pretend that we are at no risk at all. Being ignorant is much easier than being actively aware of our own mortality at every given moment.
Many of us live our lives with blinders on. We see the world through tunnel-vision. Many of us live our lives and attempt to separate them from the lives of other people as much as possible. I've encountered many people that choose to live their lives alone. Being social doesn’t always come easy for many people. Personally, I can be both social and anti-social at the same time. Doesn’t make sense? Well, I can be extremely social on Facebook, but be anti-social in person. With the inception of social media, it is becoming even easier, almost natural for us to distance ourselves from others in real life situations. Being social on the internet is easy. You can start a conversation and stop it when you decide (even if it’s rude). You can lie and create an entire new identity. You can be yourself. You actually have power and can control a conversation or friendship (add, delete & block friends). There is so much power in social networking that it can become a seemingly easier way to interact with others. Sometimes it's easier to only be responsible for yourself. There is seemingly less risk living alone. The issue with living your life as a loner isn’t only the fact that you will spend most of your life alone, but also because of the innate desire to be remembered after we die.
As humans, it is natural for us to desire our lives be consequential. When we grow up, we inherently believe that we are the rulers of our own universe. Personally, when I was about 4 or 5 years old, I believed that other people seized to exist when I could no longer see them. For some reason, I had it in my head that other people needed to be visible to me in order to exist. It wasn’t until I had overheard two adults having a conversation in another room (in which I was not present), that I realized that I had been wrong that entire time. At this point, I decided to ask my dad about it. He proceeded to tell me that every other person I see lives a life completely separate from my own. Seems like common knowledge or common sense, right? Perhaps, for most people it is. I’m not sure why I had a different perception about people and life when I was growing up. My mother left us when I was 3 years old and when I was 5 years old my parents had divorced. Maybe, I had gained a different perspective being the child of divorce. I doubt I’ll ever know the real reason why I thought this way, but honestly, it hardly matters now that I know that I was wrong. My perspective of the universe, my universe, changed that day. Suddenly, everything I did had consequences. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming amount of power that I never knew I had.
My actions, behavior and words might be thought about or acted on long after said actions, behavior, words had taken place. I had spent so much time being lonely and sad while growing up and feeling like an outcast. Had I been doing things to make others feel this way too? I want to say it was around this time that I started understanding guilt. For some reason, this realization brought on my awareness of guilt. The concept of guilt burrowed itself deep inside my mind and haunted me for most of my life, thereafter. I suffered from extreme insomnia, as a result. My mind was often consumed by my thoughts of other people, how I affected them, and how their lives affected them. Yes, I used to be consumed by the potential loneliness of others. So much so, that if I saw someone sitting alone eating in a restaurant I was eating in with my family, I would go to them and ask them if they were lonely or needed company. My entire life, I never wanted anyone to ever feel as lonely as I felt. By the grace of God, I can now separate my thoughts and life from those around me. I still worry about others and care deeply for them, but I can live my own life now.
Feeling
responsible for the lives of others is too overwhelming a task to take
on for a child. I thought I was special though because my perception was
unlike any other person I had ever met. I thought God had put me on
this Earth to change the world; to improve upon the lives of others; to
spread happiness and love and joy; I thought He made me extra strong. I
thought I was special enough to do it all on my own. Eventually, it was
too much for me, but the desire never passed, I had to drug myself in
order to stop myself because the pain and torment of carrying all the
responsibility and pain of others was just too much for one person to
bear. From the very first time I used drugs, I knew deep down in my
heart that what I was doing was wrong. So much so, that it fractured my
mind. I became 2 different individuals in one body. I became “drug-free
Courtney (a shell of my former self)” and “druggie Courtney (the more
dominate individual of the two)”. I will now refer to these as Courtney1
and Courtney2, respectively. Courtney1 was reserved for close family
& drug-free friends. I was this person whenever I went out in public
or when I saw family and close friends. I maintained a façade of being
clean. Instead of being forthright, I lied by omission about my drug use
to those who weren’t in that life. I put on a show for those people to
keep them happy. I never really thought I mattered much anyways so what
difference did it make what my choices were if they weren’t affecting
the lives of others?
Whenever I was around druggie friends, I became Courtney2. However, as Courtney2, I always had the conscience of Courtney1 (which was extremely hindering for a drug addict, mind you). I couldn’t lie to people, deceive them or screw them over, or steal from them like a typical drug addict would. I certainly wasn’t going to bring about any harm, mental or physical to the people I loved that knew me as Courtney1. Thank God for all that because eventually when I quit using drugs (that time and the next), I always had the most amazing people to return to. People who welcomed me with open arms and had cried for me while I was away and secretly feared they’d lose me forever. What flustered me the most is that many of these people, aside from my sister, Amanda (no relation), never bothered to tell me that they were worried about me and that they knew something was up. This is especially true, during my most recent battle with addiction. Perhaps, had they confronted me about it, I would have asked for help. Unlikely, but still a possibility nonetheless. Part of the reason things got so bad for me this time around was because I became so addicted to the drugs that I was using, that I didn’t have the time to portray Courtney1 anymore. Instead, I became fully immersed in the life of Courtney2. My conscience wouldn’t let me forget it either. My horrible decisions and my self-imprisonment consumed my mind. Suddenly, the guilt that I was initially able to suppress with the drugs became so powerful that no amount of drug use could make me forget it.
Now that I am clean, I recognize that we are all capable of living double lives, or even triple lives. Our minds are incredible and are capable of great things. The problem with fracturing your personality to make this a possibility is that you can never live any of those lives 100%. You can never give your 100% on any individual identity. You become a shell of yourself. You lose your identity.
As of last year, I started meeting people who needed a fresh perspective on their lives and their issues. Soon enough, they began asking me to assist them with some of their issues. Although I am not “trained” or licensed (if that’s a thing), I became a life coach to many people. Last night, I helped out a friend who was experiencing some issues and I want to share it with you, with his permission, of course.
Kirk -
I'm
very glad to help! You have definitely helped me. I was a jackass
recently and have been in jail since the last we talked. Like every
other time I was in, it leaves me with plenty of time to think about all
the retarded things I've done in my life. This time at least it it
wasn't drug related. I thought a lot about the outlook you took when
coming out of your coma, it really has helped me. I really think you
should continue to write your story, and even one day write your book.
Like you with writing about it and not wanting to sound narssicistic if
you only help one person isn't that enough? You never know who might see
it. At the very least if it keeps you on track and betters your life
then that's the most important? Lol I guess that's enough rambling and
hope that's makes sence. Hope you had a great day
11/18, 10:51pm
Thank
you so much for saying all that. It motivates me a lot to hear that I'm
actually helping someone. I want to believe God put me through all this
for a reason and that I should share my new "god-given" outlook, but I
go through my good days and bad days. Sometimes it's hard for me not to
let my outlook from my bad days overshadow my outlook on my good days.
Also, sometimes I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for publicizing
such personal thoughts and information about myself. I come from an
extremely private family. So I was raised to be private to a fault. This
brings me back to my true motives behind writing my blog. I have
decided that I am no longer capable of living a double life. I'd rather
focus on the life I have then on splitting my personality on several
unsatisfactory lives. With that, I will add, that this conversation will
be my next blog post! You have inspired me to continue. I will keep you
anonymous I promise.
On
another note, you can be many people and live many lives, if you so
choose. However, you won't be able to be or give 100% on any one of
those lives, as a result. You know in your heart that your daughter
deserves a father that is 100% there and involved. So you need to decide
today, what kind of future you want for her and whether or not you will
be in it.
I
am here if you need me. You are incredibly kind and seem like a gentle
soul. Be cautious. The worst kinds of people work the hardest to trap
pure souls and use them for their own gain.
Ps
remember I have good and bad days so if I'm short or seem uninterested
then I must be temporarily unavailable or unable to connect to a server
so definitely try again later.
11/18, 11:01pm
I agree with everything you just said and think its awesome that I can inspire you to write more
I
haven't slept much in these last few days so I'm going to crash.
Hopefully we can continue this talk tomorrow or the next time you're
free.
Ps
don't worry about leaving me anon, though I'm ashamed of some of the
things I've done I'm not ashamed of who it made me today. So nothing
we've talked about or you write about would would upset me in any way.
hope you have a great night talk to you soon.
In
the past few weeks, I have been receiving more and more of a positive
response from my friends and followers in regards to my blog. I know I
haven't written in a long time and I apologize for getting you involved
and then not continuing. I am trying to stay positive and focused on
continuing writing this blog. Please feel free to contact me with any
questions you may have or if you need a life coach.
Sending you light and love, no matter where you may be.
No comments:
Post a Comment