Apologies written February 5th, 2014

I always think about the fact that I'm single. Looking back I realize, that it's been a long time since I’ve been single this long. I don't even know how to date. I don't think I've ever dated. I just jumped headfirst into every relationship I've ever been in. In the past, I had such a disregard for my own safety and the healthiness of my choice that I allowed myself to love someone without even really knowing them. After a relationship ends, I strongly believe that every person should be single for at least half the time that they were in that relationship. I'll probably need longer than that.

This time last year I had myself convinced that if I treated my dogs as though they were humans that maybe they would actually understand me. Perhaps you think you can relate to that or you can empathize with how I was thinking, but I assure you it was simpler than what you might be thinking. You see, there are parts my mind that no longer work the way that other people's minds work. I find myself thinking like a child, perceiving like a child, and yet I'm in an adult body. I honestly had myself convinced that I was some sort of dog whisperer. Needless to say after a few months I realized how wrong I was. My dogs were more misbehaved than ever. Sorry dad. Glad to report that I’m treating my dogs like dogs again. I’ve already seen a major improvement.

I don't know why my perception about some things is so much different than my perception about others. I'm not always so naïve; I can distinguish fantasy from reality most of the time. Now more so than ever before. I’m at the point in my life where I am finally capable of being more realistic about my reality. I always believed I was going to die young. I lived my life as though it was going to end soon. I could never see a future for myself. Having this mindset meant that every decision I made had to be for the present time. I had to get everything done as fast as possible. Everything was a means to an end.

Imagine growing up thinking you only had 20 years to get everything right. Being just out of high school and thinking you had to be married and to have children within the next 10 years or it’ll be too late. I was so focused on what I thought I should be doing that I was blind to the failing marriages and single mothers and fathers happening all around me. Instead of focusing on reality, I focused on my own failures. Most of which I had been the cause of, but was too ignorant or selfish to recognize.

I don't know why I was so convinced that I only had a short period of time to live. I never really understood that I lived like that or thought like that until this very moment. It's possible it's because so many of my friends died while I was growing up. Or perhaps it's because I didn't grow up with my mother so I never saw what it was like to grow up as a woman. Even when I was around my friends mothers I still couldn't picture myself at that age. I've never been able to picture myself as an adult. Perhaps that's why I've been acting like a child my whole life. Maybe that's the difference now I have already died and now's the afterlife. For the first time in my life, I'm ready to be an adult. I'm sure my family is very excited to hear me say that. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want to be an adult. I'm just saying that I'm ready to be an adult. I'm ready to take responsibility for my life.

I imagine you can understand what it's like to feel like this. I'm embarrassed by my past behavior. I'm smarter than the person I was. I knew what I was doing every time I made a mistake. I made those mistakes anyways. I know that I can never take those mistakes back. The only thing I can focus on now is proving that I'm not that person anymore. However, I still find myself disappointing people and it hurts more than it has ever hurt before. I still feel like there are a lot of expectations of me. I'm pretty sure I'm the person that expects the most. I know I talk a lot about my near-death experience. The truth is I hardly remember any of it. I was so out of it because of all the medication I was on and the time it took for my brain having to heal itself. Honestly, it all seems like a dream to me. The only reason I talk about how bad it was or how bad I was, is because my family tells me about it. It's almost embarrassing for me to talk about. I know that something happened to me. I remember how horrible it was being in the hospital but I feel like I should be doing better now than I am. My father assures me that I was far worse off than I realize, and that I've come a long way. It's hard for me to believe him.

The truth is I had over thousand strokes and the the potential neurological damage is far greater than I'd like to believe. If I believe that I was as bad off as they claim that I was then that means that I might not recover. I like to believe that I'm already recovered. The truth is that if I were recovered then why would I still have dreams of using drugs. I don't know if it's because they're still in my life in some way some distant way but somehow I end up using them in my dreams. Not even the drugs that nearly ruined my life. Usually other drugs, ones I had used in years prior to my recovery. If my subconscious can dream about using drugs all the while knowing that I'm risking my life, because I do know this in my dreams and I choose use them anyways, am I really recovered? Because what really matters is what will happen after I have my heart surgery. I think about that all the time. I'm now at the point in my life where I want to live my life but I still have this underlying heart condition that is threatening my life. I pretend it doesn't concern me. I look healthy on the outside so I feel like I should represent how I look. The truth is I do worry; I worry that I won't get fixed in time. That I'll be this close to changing my whole life and I will die anyways. So if I spend my time with you, no matter how little or how much just know that I am trying to use my time wisely. You must be very important to me to be part of my life. I won't waste another second on somebody that doesn't care about me.

Don't worry, I'm going to go back to my previous question about what will happen after having heart surgery. I don't want you to think that I'm even considering the possibility that I'll go back to doing drugs. God gave me a second chance and I will not fail him just as I will not fail you, not again. My concern isn't that I will go back to using drugs after I have heart surgery. My concern is that it will be harder for me to resist than it is today. I will resist, but as it is today, resisting is easy because I know will kill me if I do not. Right now staying clean is about survival. The truth is, somehow I've got in my mind that occasional drug use or recreational drug use is acceptable. I don't know when that happened. If you asked my mother I used to be so anti-drug back in junior high. I lost so many friends to drugs so many friends of mine had ended up dying or killing themselves because of drugs that I promised that I would never do that to myself or my family or other friends.

A few years later, something in me changed completely. I decided to try ecstasy for the first time. I had never done drugs quite like ecstasy before. My entire mindset about drugs changed that day. It was the worst mistake of my life. I ditched most of my old friends and started hanging out with all new “friends”, ones that tolerated and accepted recreational drug use. Of course, there were some few friends that I kept that I didn't tell about my drug use. I kept those friends separate from my new lifestyle. I kept those friends separate from my new life altogether. Thank God I did, otherwise I wouldn't have any friends today. I made a lot of terrible choices in my lifetime. I'm really sorry to all the people that I hurt. Words can never describe how I feel about what I did. I was a coward and I was selfish and I was a horrible friend to a lot of you.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “you are what you eat.”? My dad used to say it to me all the time when referring to my friends and it infuriated me. You have to understand, I am fiercely loyal. It's one of my biggest faults. I will defend a person that I care about till the ends of the earth whether they deserve it or not. I'm getting better at that now, but growing up I loved everyone unconditionally (ironically enough, I was not one of those people. Somehow I never believed that I deserved my own love). The truth is, when you surround yourself with negative, self-centered, filth, like I did, it becomes the norm for you and it slowly begins to mold your perceptions, thereby changing your reality. This happens no matter how strong you are. Believe me, I didn’t change who I was outwardly but instead and more dangerously I changed what I was on the inside. I allowed myself to become a person that I didn't even recognize anymore. I made excuses about my own choices. I make choices because of my excuses. No matter who you are the people you surround yourself with are your inspiration for who you will become. If you hang out with a bunch of workaholics you will most likely work more because all of your friends are at work all the time so why shouldn't you be?

Well, I’ve run out of time today. We’ll talk more, later. Feel free to email me or message me if you have any questions or just want to talk.

24 hour drug addiction hotline: 800.447.9081

© 2013, Courtney Prichard. “Except as provided by the Copyright Act [11-24-2013, etc.] no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher."

Rest in Peace February 2 & 3rd

I started writing this yesterday, but was too overwhelmed to finish it. It might be a little scattered because I am so affected by what I’m writing about that it’s hard to focus. I apologize in advance.

Another great actor died from a drug overdose today. Although I found out a few hours ago, I cannot push this tremendous feeling of sadness from my mind. I didn’t know the guy. I’ve never met him. I’m not sure if it is my own experience with drugs or my love of acting and all things movie related that makes me so emotional over his loss. He had 23 years of sobriety behind him until he relapsed last year. It breaks my heart. It is such an unnecessary loss. He was only 46 years old. That could have been me.

If I had died in his place only a handful of people would be sad (my family and some close friends), whereas in this case, strangers all around the world are heartbroken over his loss (myself included). Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade places with him. I fought the hard fight and I got clean. I earned my spot on this Earth. I may not have a lot of people in my life that need me, but I am still worthy of this life. Not to say he didn’t or wasn't. He made a choice to use again and this time it killed him. It’d kill me if I ever made that choice again. It really is that simple when it comes to drug use.

Choose to use and choose to lose (your life). Every time you use drugs you are bartering with your life. Those that use drugs understand this and accept this risk. That being said, I want to be sure you understand that drug users are suicidal. You may think you’re an exception, but you’re not. If you use drugs then each and every time you use you are making a decision (whether conscience or not) to risk losing your life for that high, every single time. You might get away with using a handful of times, but don’t be fooled, not every time is created equal. We all have an expiration date and the majority of us do not know when it is or what will cause it. I can assure you that every time you use drugs it’s like putting a revolver to your head and pulling the trigger in the hopes that this time that randomly loaded bullet won’t fire. Every time you decide to put a drug in your body, you are playing Russian roulette with your life. I promise you this, some day, one day, that gun will fire and there is an incredibly high probability that it’ll kill you.

Going back to the actor that died, I think the hardest part about his death is that I know where he was in his mind because I’ve been there. I know how alone, lonely and sad he must have been. I know how much he must have hated himself when he stuck that needle in his arm for the very last time. The self-hatred and self-loathing felt by IV heroin users is such a deep abyss that only other IV heroin users can relate. The darkness and despair creates the deepest pain and inner sorrow that I’ve ever experienced. The closest thing I can relate it to is what we experience when we are grieving the loss of a loved one. I believe the reason these emotions are so similar is because we subconsciously know that we essentially are attempting suicide every time we use. We are too cowardly and weak to resist risking our life and it tortures us to no end. When we are using we are constantly in grieving.  

His death is another example of how our choices affect those around us whether we know whom we’ll affect or not. In his case, he was a celebrity and his death made international news. You might think that your death won’t be news, but with the inception of social media, I assure you that that thinking is naïve. More people than ever before will learn about your death and potentially the circumstances surrounding it.

I am sad for the family he left behind. The anger and rage they must feel towards him for his selfish act must be unbearable. The torment and pain they must feel thinking they could have saved him. Or the incessant and aching desire to go back in time to save him. Every passing moment a reminder of a life lost. If only he knew that it was going to be his last mistake or that this mistake would cost him his life. Would he have made a different choice? Would he still be alive today? We will never know. He will never get a do-over. He is forever dead.

When it comes to overdoses, usually there are no second chances. Every time you use drugs it is the last mistake you’ll ever make as the person you are at that moment. Even if you live through it this time, a part of you died. Every time you use drugs it kills a piece of your soul. It is not a calculated risk because you don’t know how much you have left to give. None of us do. So next time you feel like a coward and you cannot resist that drug, ask yourself, is today the day? Do I want to die today? Instead of risking your life, please talk to someone, anyone immediately. You deserve to live.

I know this isn't as poetic as some of my other writing. I'm not sure what else I can say other then you are not alone. No matter how alone you feel, we are all connected. You were worthy of getting life when you were born and you are worthy of your life now, even if you are addicted to drugs. Change is possible. Every moment is a chance to turn your life around. You don't have to hurt anymore.

24 hour drug addiction hotline: 800.447.9081

© 2013, Courtney Prichard. “Except as provided by the Copyright Act [11-24-2013, etc.] no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher."

The Angel Inside Me written November 23rd, 2013

Ever since my near death experience, I have felt like a different person, which I’ve mentioned in my earlier posts. It wasn’t until last night that I realized what it was that I was feeling. I was feeling the angel inside me for the first time ever. I had suppressed him for so long that he became silent inside me, waiting for me to recognize him again. Yes, you heard right, my angel is male. This would account for how masculine I’ve always been. I’ve always related more to men than women and never understood why until now.

I believe that we are all born with an angel inside us. This is what gives us life and what activates our brain and our minds. This is why scientists still can’t figure out what makes our minds work. I know you probably think I’ve lost my mind, but I only want you to consider the possibility. What if that voice inside your head, which is commonly believed to be your conscience, is actually the angel inside you? Don’t believe me? I want you to literally talk inside you mind to your angel and see what happens. In my experience, you’ll be overwhelmed with peace once you recognize the existence of your angel. Now that I have recognized mine, I find that I can simply tell him what I need to have a good day and that I intend to have a good day and it just happens. If I’m having a bad day, I tell him about it and ask for his help.

Does this mean that you have to believe in God or Jesus Christ or Buddha or another God of some kind? That is a hard question for me to answer. In my experience, life is so much easier if you recognize that there must be a power greater than you. However, you do NOT have to be religious, practice religion, or believe in a God in order to have a peaceful relationship with your angel. The incredible thing about recognizing your angel is that you will start feeling a little less lonely. Angels are in all of us. Angels do not discriminate based on sexual orientation, beliefs, work experience, education, or wealth. If you are alive, an angel exists inside you.

If this is true then why do some people commit murder and rape? And what about sociopaths (people who have no conscience)?

In the cases of murderers and rapists that eventually claim remorse, I honestly believe that their negative lifestyles and the negative environment their angel had to live in while inside those people’s minds, actually turned their angels into demons. However, with much contemplation, in prison perhaps or wherever they might have their moment of conscientiousness, they can slowly wield their demon back into an angel. Does this mean they should be forgiven for what they’ve done? That is a choice that must be made on an individual basis by you personally.

I believe that in some cases, like sociopathy; a person is not directly connected to their angel. I’m not sure why this happens and I’m not sure it can be fixed.

Okay, so I want to believe you, now what?

Now that you know, you can change your entire perspective about your life. It is never too late to see things as they really are. You are NEVER alone. If you feel alone, it’s because you haven’t accepted the angel inside you. Your angel will do everything in its power to assist you. If times are hard, ask your angel to give you some insight. You won’t hear words, but you might get some awareness or some new perspective about the situation. Personally, I suddenly can see things in my mind’s eye that I didn’t see before. As I’m writing this, I’ve asked for His help and I’ve had no issues or struggles while writing this.

I want to tell you what my angel told me after I first recognized him. When I say told, I mean made ME aware. He told me that he never realized how hard it was to live with a human. He didn’t realize how little control of our own lives we have. He had never accounted for the fact that our lives are highly affected by the people around us. He didn’t know that I needed his help because I never asked for it. The angels inside us live dormant unless we are in situations that might kill us or unless we ask for them. I have certainly taken my angel on the ride of a lifetime. Angels are inherently curious, just like humans. If you are excited about something, it’s hard for them not to become excited too. This explains why so many people fall into drug addiction or addictions of any kind. Angels are not aware of the concept of corporeal dependence because they’ve never had human bodies before.

Humans are not the only creatures on Earth that have angels inside them. Animals do as well. From what I’ve "come to understand", angels start out in creatures of the lowest level of evolution and work their way up to human residence. This means that your dog and or cat also have an angel inside them. This explains our need to speak with our animals as though they understand and speak English.

I am not a practicing religious person, but I am a religious person. I am unable to write about this without talking a little about my belief system, although I will not actually state what my religious preference is. Unlike the angels in most religious belief systems, such as my own, not all angels are messengers of God. They are not all leaders of Heaven, as suggested in most religious texts. There are very low level angels, such as the ones inside us. It is widely believed that these angels are the luckiest of all angels because they get to live lives where freedom and choice are not controlled. They get to experience all kinds of things that angels of higher statute do not get to experience.

I know that these may seem like outrageous claims to you, but what harm can it bring if you give it a chance? You sacrifice nothing by recognizing the possibility. That is all I’ve ever hoped for anyone. This is why I named my blog The Real Possibility. At the time that I first started writing, I did not understand why I was so drawn to this title and now I know. It was always His intention to be recognized by me. I can’t believe I’ve waited so long. I’ve always known that I had something inside me that was more powerful than I was; I just never knew what it was. Now that I know, my life will never be the same.

If you have any questions or doubts that you want to discuss, please feel free to write me a note on the contact page of this blog and I will be sure to get back to you as quickly as possible.

Sending you and your angel light and love.
 

© 2013, Courtney Prichard. “Except as provided by the Copyright Act [11-24-2013, etc.] no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher."

Written tuesday November 19, 2013

Today, I'm going to talk about what it means to be human.

Here are two definitions of human provided by Google:

adjective

1.    1.

of, relating to, or characteristic of people or human beings.

"the human body"

noun

1.    1.

a human being, esp. a person as distinguished from an animal or (in science fiction) an alien.

The reason I have decided that the subject of being human is my subject today is because I've been thinking about it a lot since last night. I must admit that my biggest hobby is watching television. As a writer, the characters and events (I watch 35 different television shows, seriously) from each show act as my muse. I have started watching Almost Human on Fox (airs Monday nights from this week forward). I tell you this because one of the main characters, Dorian, is an android (a robot with a human appearance). He is a special model with a “synthetic soul” or in other words, he is designed to mimic human behavior and was therefore given the ability to think and feel on his own. In the most recent episode, he talks a lot about how he feels human and how it feels to know that as an android he will likely be forgotten after he “dies” or ceases to exist. By the end of the episode, I felt more strongly for Dorian than I did for Detective Kennex (the lead, allegedly human and therefore the “more relatable” character). This isn’t the first time that I’ve found the “inhuman” character in a show or movie more relatable.

For example, I felt very strongly for the android, David, in the film, A.I. or Artificial Intelligence. At several points in the film, I found myself holding back tears for him. Of course, most of the credit should go towards the actors portraying these characters because their stellar performances are what made them capture my heart in the first place. I don’t think it’s some new found phenomenon that a person might relate more readily to an outsider. In the two examples I’ve specified, it is society that has caused these two androids to feel like outsiders. Also, it is their perceptions of the world they live in and their perceptions of themselves that are of utmost importance. I will use this point to transition back to my original point. Most people think that being human means to live and breathe.

However, being human means more than that. Part of being human is being aware that you are human. As humans, we are aware of our own existence. Not only are we aware of our own existence, we are also aware of our own inevitable death, our own mortality. We live each day knowing that there is a possibility that it might be our last day alive. We live each day knowing the same thing about the people we surround ourselves with. Despite knowing that there is a huge risk of losing our lives by living our lives, we carry on. We continue on our journey and most of us pretend that we are at no risk at all. Being ignorant is much easier than being actively aware of our own mortality at every given moment.

Many of us live our lives with blinders on. We see the world through tunnel-vision. Many of us live our lives and attempt to separate them from the lives of other people as much as possible. I've encountered many people that choose to live their lives alone. Being social doesn’t always come easy for many people. Personally, I can be both social and anti-social at the same time. Doesn’t make sense? Well, I can be extremely social on Facebook, but be anti-social in person. With the inception of social media, it is becoming even easier, almost natural for us to distance ourselves from others in real life situations. Being social on the internet is easy. You can start a conversation and stop it when you decide (even if it’s rude). You can lie and create an entire new identity. You can be yourself. You actually have power and can control a conversation or friendship (add, delete & block friends). There is so much power in social networking that it can become a seemingly easier way to interact with others. Sometimes it's easier to only be responsible for yourself. There is seemingly less risk living alone. The issue with living your life as a loner isn’t only the fact that you will spend most of your life alone, but also because of the innate desire to be remembered after we die.

As humans, it is natural for us to desire our lives be consequential. When we grow up, we inherently believe that we are the rulers of our own universe. Personally, when I was about 4 or 5 years old, I believed that other people seized to exist when I could no longer see them. For some reason, I had it in my head that other people needed to be visible to me in order to exist. It wasn’t until I had overheard two adults having a conversation in another room (in which I was not present), that I realized that I had been wrong that entire time. At this point, I decided to ask my dad about it. He proceeded to tell me that every other person I see lives a life completely separate from my own. Seems like common knowledge or common sense, right? Perhaps, for most people it is. I’m not sure why I had a different perception about people and life when I was growing up. My mother left us when I was 3 years old and when I was 5 years old my parents had divorced. Maybe, I had gained a different perspective being the child of divorce. I doubt I’ll ever know the real reason why I thought this way, but honestly, it hardly matters now that I know that I was wrong. My perspective of the universe, my universe, changed that day. Suddenly, everything I did had consequences. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming amount of power that I never knew I had.

My actions, behavior and words might be thought about or acted on long after said actions, behavior, words had taken place. I had spent so much time being lonely and sad while growing up and feeling like an outcast. Had I been doing things to make others feel this way too? I want to say it was around this time that I started understanding guilt. For some reason, this realization brought on my awareness of guilt. The concept of guilt burrowed itself deep inside my mind and haunted me for most of my life, thereafter. I suffered from extreme insomnia, as a result. My mind was often consumed by my thoughts of other people, how I affected them, and how their lives affected them. Yes, I used to be consumed by the potential loneliness of others. So much so, that if I saw someone sitting alone eating in a restaurant I was eating in with my family, I would go to them and ask them if they were lonely or needed company. My entire life, I never wanted anyone to ever feel as lonely as I felt. By the grace of God, I can now separate my thoughts and life from those around me. I still worry about others and care deeply for them, but I can live my own life now.

Feeling responsible for the lives of others is too overwhelming a task to take on for a child. I thought I was special though because my perception was unlike any other person I had ever met. I thought God had put me on this Earth to change the world; to improve upon the lives of others; to spread happiness and love and joy; I thought He made me extra strong. I thought I was special enough to do it all on my own. Eventually, it was too much for me, but the desire never passed, I had to drug myself in order to stop myself because the pain and torment of carrying all the responsibility and pain of others was just too much for one person to bear. From the very first time I used drugs, I knew deep down in my heart that what I was doing was wrong. So much so, that it fractured my mind. I became 2 different individuals in one body. I became “drug-free Courtney (a shell of my former self)” and “druggie Courtney (the more dominate individual of the two)”. I will now refer to these as Courtney1 and Courtney2, respectively. Courtney1 was reserved for close family & drug-free friends. I was this person whenever I went out in public or when I saw family and close friends. I maintained a façade of being clean. Instead of being forthright, I lied by omission about my drug use to those who weren’t in that life. I put on a show for those people to keep them happy. I never really thought I mattered much anyways so what difference did it make what my choices were if they weren’t affecting the lives of others?

Whenever I was around druggie friends, I became Courtney2. However, as Courtney2, I always had the conscience of Courtney1 (which was extremely hindering for a drug addict, mind you). I couldn’t lie to people, deceive them or screw them over, or steal from them like a typical drug addict would. I certainly wasn’t going to bring about any harm, mental or physical to the people I loved that knew me as Courtney1. Thank God for all that because eventually when I quit using drugs (that time and the next), I always had the most amazing people to return to. People who welcomed me with open arms and had cried for me while I was away and secretly feared they’d lose me forever. What flustered me the most is that many of these people, aside from my sister, Amanda (no relation), never bothered to tell me that they were worried about me and that they knew something was up. This is especially true, during my most recent battle with addiction. Perhaps, had they confronted me about it, I would have asked for help. Unlikely, but still a possibility nonetheless. Part of the reason things got so bad for me this time around was because I became so addicted to the drugs that I was using, that I didn’t have the time to portray Courtney1 anymore. Instead, I became fully immersed in the life of Courtney2. My conscience wouldn’t let me forget it either. My horrible decisions and my self-imprisonment consumed my mind. Suddenly, the guilt that I was initially able to suppress with the drugs became so powerful that no amount of drug use could make me forget it.

Now that I am clean, I recognize that we are all capable of living double lives, or even triple lives. Our minds are incredible and are capable of great things. The problem with fracturing your personality to make this a possibility is that you can never live any of those lives 100%. You can never give your 100% on any individual identity. You become a shell of yourself. You lose your identity.

As of last year, I started meeting people who needed a fresh perspective on their lives and their issues. Soon enough, they began asking me to assist them with some of their issues. Although I am not “trained” or licensed (if that’s a thing), I became a life coach to many people. Last night, I helped out a friend who was experiencing some issues and I want to share it with you, with his permission, of course.

Kirk -

I'm very glad to help! You have definitely helped me. I was a jackass recently and have been in jail since the last we talked. Like every other time I was in, it leaves me with plenty of time to think about all the retarded things I've done in my life. This time at least it it wasn't drug related. I thought a lot about the outlook you took when coming out of your coma, it really has helped me. I really think you should continue to write your story, and even one day write your book. Like you with writing about it and not wanting to sound narssicistic if you only help one person isn't that enough? You never know who might see it. At the very least if it keeps you on track and betters your life then that's the most important? Lol I guess that's enough rambling and hope that's makes sence. Hope you had a great day

11/18, 10:51pm

Courtney Prichard

Thank you so much for saying all that. It motivates me a lot to hear that I'm actually helping someone. I want to believe God put me through all this for a reason and that I should share my new "god-given" outlook, but I go through my good days and bad days. Sometimes it's hard for me not to let my outlook from my bad days overshadow my outlook on my good days. Also, sometimes I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for publicizing such personal thoughts and information about myself. I come from an extremely private family. So I was raised to be private to a fault. This brings me back to my true motives behind writing my blog. I have decided that I am no longer capable of living a double life. I'd rather focus on the life I have then on splitting my personality on several unsatisfactory lives. With that, I will add, that this conversation will be my next blog post! You have inspired me to continue. I will keep you anonymous I promise.

On another note, you can be many people and live many lives, if you so choose. However, you won't be able to be or give 100% on any one of those lives, as a result. You know in your heart that your daughter deserves a father that is 100% there and involved. So you need to decide today, what kind of future you want for her and whether or not you will be in it.

I am here if you need me. You are incredibly kind and seem like a gentle soul. Be cautious. The worst kinds of people work the hardest to trap pure souls and use them for their own gain.

Ps remember I have good and bad days so if I'm short or seem uninterested then I must be temporarily unavailable or unable to connect to a server so definitely try again later.

11/18, 11:01pm

Kirk

I agree with everything you just said and think its awesome that I can inspire you to write more

I haven't slept much in these last few days so I'm going to crash. Hopefully we can continue this talk tomorrow or the next time you're free.

Ps don't worry about leaving me anon, though I'm ashamed of some of the things I've done I'm not ashamed of who it made me today. So nothing we've talked about or you write about would would upset me in any way. hope you have a great night talk to you soon.

In the past few weeks, I have been receiving more and more of a positive response from my friends and followers in regards to my blog. I know I haven't written in a long time and I apologize for getting you involved and then not continuing. I am trying to stay positive and focused on continuing writing this blog. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have or if you need a life coach. 

Sending you light and love, no matter where you may be.

WRITTEN APRIL 23RD 2013

Sometimes, I want to rush things for myself. I want my happy ending right now. But, now I can see that sometimes the best parts about happy endings are the moments, & experiences; the life that happens before it happens. We will all meet incredible people whom we believe we can make truly happy, but will never get a chance to prove it to. I know I have met many people in my life who have changed me in ways I thought impossible. People who made me question what I wanted for my future. People I didn't, can't ever be with.

I constantly need to remind myself that I am in no rush to move to the end of the line of my life.

I want life to happen to me this time. I don’t want to force it ever again. I want to influence it in positive ways, but not force it. I will never again put a man in a position to be forced to love me. The hardest part is recognizing that if this is true then the opposite is also true which means that I am this ‘incredible person’ that someone in my life will never get to ‘make happy’. It’s when I look at it this way that I am able to put things in perspective and recognize that I am NOT ready to be in another relationship with anyone other than myself for an undetermined time. If and when I meet that life-changing person I’ll know it. I believe this.

WRITTEN APRIL 2ND 2013

I have had a lot of new friends enter and exit my life recently. I feel like that is happening a lot in my life right now. Part of me feels like it’s my fault and somehow it must mean that I am using them in some way. But, then I realize that is how the circle of life is. It is a give and take. As long as I give all I can in return and am not intending to “use” them, I can’t hate myself for it. 

The hard part is letting go of some of these people. I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way because of events that are out of my control. In reflecting, I've realized that I am so quick to give someone a great deal of value as a result of my feelings. People I only recently became friends with, known for a year or less, in other words, people that I don't actually know all that well. I am so emotional and caring and nurturing that I look past “red flags” and internal warnings so that I can continue to feel a great deal about them. I end up having totally unacceptable expectations of them, as people and as friends. In addition to my expectations of them, I end up having unacceptable expectations of myself in order to make it possible for those people to meet my expectations. It’s a vicious cycle. So I am vowing to stop. 

Once again, I’m falling into unhealthy thinking and behaviours. The same unhealthy thinking and behaviour that I considered the norm for me prior to my NDE*, and ultimately responsible for it and therefore almost killed me. Nothing is worth sacrificing your life for, except for maybe your children. I am not a parent though so right now nothing in my life is worth dying for. Not anymore. 

I originally intended on writing more, but life has intervened and I must leave you with this. Just like in life, things change. I am changing. I am evolving. I am learning. I am finding myself. I am figuring out what I want and need to fully appreciate life. Therefore, my blog may be going through a variety of changes and such.

More to follow,

Sending light and love

* NDE = Near death experience

Friday March 29, 2013 3:43am

I’ve been having a really hard time finding inspiration to write. I just watched this amazing movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I read the book when I was a senior in High School in 2000. It was given to me by a good friend that I will call D. D and I were very close friends at the time. In fact, he wrote this on the inside jacket of the book:

Courtney –

You have been such a special person to me. And have taught me so many things about myself.

I love you so much, always and forever. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did, It changed me. <3

D

 But, we weren’t friends forever. 

Things in my life quickly took a turn for the worst shortly after high school, not to mention I moved to Tucson to attend the University of Arizona. So D and I slowly fell apart. 

Shortly after I moved back home I started my first relationship. It was a disaster. It lasted 3 years. Not long into that relationship, D and I had a falling out and have never spoken again. It's probably getting close to a decade since we last spoke. I miss him terribly. 

The worst part is I don’t associate with the person I use to be. I have her memories, but no feelings of attachments towards any of the events that took place. I can see clearly now. I can see what I lost, gave up, destroyed, ruined, and I can see how and why and I can choose to live differently now. I am free.

D, 

If you ever read this, I miss you. Please give me another chance to be the person you spoke about in that quote. You and I were supposed to be friends. We were always supposed to be friends and I’m sorry I lost sight of that. If you read everything else I wrote in my blog you‘ll see how bad things had to get in my life for me to learn the value of myself. I promise you I will never treat myself like shit again. I will never lose sight of what’s most important in life. I will remember:

          “...we accept the love we think we deserve”. Chbosky (1999, pg. 29) 

That is a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It is one of my favourite quotes. It was one of yours back then. Is it still? That’s the best quote I’ve heard in a long time. I wish I would’ve paid more attention to it when I first read this book. Maybe, I would've made better choices. 

I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't made so many mistakes. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't learned from them. I am so grateful that I saw this movie again and was reminded of this time in our lives. I just want you to know. You changed me.

Courtney
 

I digress, I’ll get back on topic. It’s in the beginning of this blog post. After my NDE, near death experience, something inside my mind changed. I became clearer, more focused. My short-term memory is shot, but I’m working on that. Technology has been very helpful in that area. I can commit to myself for the first time EVER. For the first time in my life, I am living my life. I am living in the moment. I am starting over. People know who I was, but I want people to know who I am NOW. I hate having to reassure people that I’m not that girl they knew. I have follow-through. I am reliable. I am alive. 

“I was blind, but now I see.”

My life is brighter. I can see more clearly. I see things with a different perspective. I see everything. It is refreshing. I feel like I’m awake for the first time in my life. Everything is just very clear. I am more empathetic. I am more care-free. I smile more. I laugh more. I laugh almost all day. I sing. I listen to music. I love being alive. What you may not understand is I didn’t use to feel this way. Not even close.
 

I used to be repulsed by myself and by my life, but I was powerless to change it. I had become a prisoner of my own mind, of my own guilt. I was so obsessed with punishing myself that I was willing to risk my life to stop the pain. That’s how I ended up on drugs. 

Not a lot of people will experience or have experienced recovery like I did. For most, it’s a daily struggle to stay clean. The only difference in my situation is that I used drugs to mask the pain my life was causing. Once I had my NDE, my whole life was ripped out from underneath me. I had to start over from scratch. I was pulled from my environment and given the freedom to start over. It was overwhelming. 

I’m not going to lie; the first 9 months, after I returned home from the hospital, were rough. I was introverted. I was scared. I didn’t want to go out in public. I felt ugly and was embarrassed to be seen. I quickly fell back into my old mentality. I became overly attached to the first guy I liked. Luckily, he’s not a local; we are online friends so it was extremely safe. In other words, it didn’t require me to leave my newly acquired shell. 

Well, needless to say, things didn’t work out the way I had planned and it broke my heart. So much so that, for my own protection and sanity, I forced myself to reflect on how I was living my life and the choices that I was making. Suddenly, it dawned on me, I didn’t want my life to begin and end with a guy. It always had. Look at how great that worked out for me before. I almost relived my greatest mistake, again, so soon. How was this possible? Had I learned nothing? Did I deserve to get this second chance at life if I wasn't not going to live it differently? I was embarrassed. I felt crazy. He opened my eyes. 
 

He allowed for me to open my eyes, to change my perspective, to change my life. We are still friends. He's not in a position to read this so I don’t have to worry that he will any time soon, but some day he might.

And when you do, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

You thought I was beautiful in a time in my life when I felt most ugly. You helped me realize how much more important and valuable inner beauty is than exterior.

You also taught me to value my health. I eat better now, I exercise regularly and changed my entire lifestyle. I did this for myself so that I could live longer and enjoy my life longer by giving myself the opportunity to spend more time with the people I love. I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for.
 

In closing, life is a series of choices. Your mistakes do not define you. Your choices define you. If you don’t want to be stressed about money then work more hours, find another job, spend less, save more. Life is full of options. Choose the path you want. Choose happiness. Choose kindness. Choose love. Be free.

Start new, start fresh, start your life, because this life is all you have. Don't waste a moment of it.

Till next time. Sending light and love your way.

Chbosky, S. (1999) The Perks of Being a Wallflower, MTV Books, New York.

March 11 2013

I am continuing my blog at this link: http://therealquark.wix.com/therealpossibility but I realize that people may also be viewing it on here so I'm transferring it all over to here too.

Welcome friends and family and strangers! Some of you know me personally and some of you used to know me. Some of you are complete strangers. I welcome all of you!

I may not be 100% now or ever, but I'm 100% better than I've ever been before in my life. I am still learning about what happened to me. This has to be the most incredible part of my journey. I only know what I've been told and most of what I've been told is not completely accurate or is altogether false.

You will be forced to experience this journey with me if you continue to read. I'll make updates as often as possible. I'll keep you updated as I learn new things about myself and my past. Please feel free to post questions and I'll answer them. Also, share my blog please! The more people that read it, the more likely I will get an opportunity to write a book about my life.

07/18/2013

 Friends:

I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time. I've been having an interesting past few months and blogging wasn't really a priority.


I know most of know, if you've been keeping up, I used to be a serious drug user. In April of 2012, I almost died from drug-related health complications. I was in a coma for 4 days and in the hospital for 3 months. I had over a 100 strokes, was on life-support and wasn't expected to live. I have permanent heart damage and need open heart surgery that I can't afford and do not have insurance to cover, but desperately need. Anyways, I survived and here I am today.





All of the above was a small price to pay to get my life back. That being said, I have been clean from hard drugs for a year and 3 months. Already this year I've experienced a drug-related loss. A friend of mine that I used to use with, but was friends with prior to both our drug addictions, died as a result of drugs. Already this week, I've read about another person who died from using the same drugs I did. I am really struggling with the concept that I lived and these people didn't. I am not special. I am not more liked or more loveable. I didn't make better choices.


That is all. Just a little heartbroken to find out another person died. Thanks for listening... I'll do what I can to post more....

04-23-13

Sometimes, I want to rush things for myself. I want my happy ending right now. But, now I can see that sometimes the best parts about happy endings are the moments, & experiences; the life that happens before it happens. We will all meet incredible people whom we believe we can make truly happy, but will never get a chance to prove it to. I know I have met many people in my life who have changed me in ways I thought impossible. People who made me question what I wanted for my future. People I didn't, can't ever be with. I constantly need to remind myself that I am in no rush to move to the end of the line of my life. I want life to happen to me this time. I don’t want to force it ever again. I want to influence it in positive ways, but not force it. I will never again put a man in a position to be forced to love me. The hardest part is recognizing that if this is true then the opposite is also true which means that I am this ‘incredible person’ that someone in my life will never get to ‘make happy’. It’s when I look at it this way that I am able to put things in perspective and recognize that I am NOT ready to be in another relationship with anyone other than myself for an undetermined time. If and when I meet that life-changing person I’ll know it. I believe this. 

Goodbye you. If you actually read this. You changed my life. I will forever be grateful. I wish the best for you. You deserve to be happy. You will be happy. I believe this.